Ritual Sacrifice

I didn't go. The local equinox ritual was held Sunday and I chose not to go. Up until about noon I had every intention of putting on witchy garb and heading for Golden Gate Park, but I kept putting it off and finding other things I "needed" to do and procrastinating until I suddenly realized, "I don't WANT to go." Which brings me to the point--I don't like large public rituals and they don't like me, so why should I continue to torture myself? I don't think the Goddess would approve of that!

My problem with these rituals actually began over a year ago at summer solstice at the beach. I never actually got to participate in the ritual because I lost my footing going down the sandy path leading to the beach and strained my back. I turned around and limped home and was laid up for about four days.

The next ritual I was scheduled to attend was Samhain. However my mom died only five days before and I was in no mood to mourn her death along with over a thousand other people-mostly strangers. Besides, I had spent the entire afternoon at the hairdresser's trying to get the pink and orange streaks from a bad color job corrected.

I finally got to attend a public ritual last year at winter solstice. It was ok. I was able to get down the path to the beach without any difficulty, the actual ritual was sort of fun, and I was fascinated by all the naked pagans splashing in the surf and dancing around the bonfire. However, when it was time to leave, the trouble started. First, I had a hard time finding my stuff that I had left on the beach among all the other piles of stuff because it was pitch dark and I had no flashlight. Then, as I was climbing back up the sandy path, I stubbed my foot on a metal pipe sticking out of sand right in the middle of the walkway. I had avoided it on the way down, but now it was dark AND I HAD NO FLASHLIGHT! I stumbled to my car and as I drove away the unmistakeable smell of fresh dog poop filled my car. When I got home I discovered it on my shoe and of course the car mat. There are lots of dogs on the beach and you can't see poop in the dark and I HAD NO FLASHLIGHT!

Bridgid was great. Loved it. It was held indoors-no sand, no pipes, no poop, and everybody kept their clothes on.

The next ritual, to celebrate the spring equinox, was held in a grassy meadow in the park. As we were moving in a circle, I twisted my foot in one of the many grass-camouflaged holes, probably made by small animals to snare unwary pagans.

Beltaine was distracting. First, people jumped over a flaming cauldron. The only problem with this is the fact that a lot of jumpers were wearing long, flowing garments of one kind or another and I kept waiting for someone to get caught on the cauldron and catch fire! Didn't happen, fortunately. However, as I watched the mosh pit that was the end result of the dance around the maypole, I began to wonder, "What the hell am I doing here?"

Summer solstice was once again held at the beach. I brought a flashlight with me this time so I could negotiate the sandy path in the dark. I left it with my stuff on the beach. The ritual itself was totally lost on me-I couldn't hear most of it because the stiff breeze off the ocean carried the sound away from where I was standing. I tried to move around but kept tripping over other people's stuff left in the sand too close to the circle. Anyway, the ritual finally ended and guess what? I couldn't find my stuff because it was now pitch dark and I HAD LEFT MY FLASHLIGHT WITH MY STUFF! Eventually I found it, twisted my hip walking up the sandy path and tripped over the pipe in spite of the flashlight. When I got home, I went straight upstairs to change, sat on my bed and took off my shoes. I was so pissed off I didn't give a thought to the fact that my shoes were filled with sand, which ended up all over the bedroom carpet!

Lammas ritual was back in the park. It was better than usual in that it was daylight, the group was much smaller than usual, I could hear everything, and I encountered no holes, pipes, sand, poop, etc. However, when I got to the parking lot I found that someone (obviously driving alone) had squeezed their silver PT Cruiser into the space next to mine less than a foot from my driver's side door. It's a wonder that they didn't break off the mirror! Anyway, I tried to squeeze in but couldn't even come close. I really didn't want to climb over the steering column from the passenger seat because of my bad back, but after waiting for about fifteen minutes to see if the driver showed up, I finally managed to crawl into the driver's seat. Of course, I then had the problem of getting my car out without scratching that beautiful PT Cruiser. Actually by then I could not have cared less about that car; I was only concerned about not scratching MY car. My back only took a couple of days to recover.

As the wheel of the year turns, that brings me to yesterday's equinox ritual. Enough is enough!

In all seriousness, I don't get much out of large public celebrations. I like my rituals small, intimate, personally meaningful. I feel closer to the Goddess sitting alone looking at a flower or a leaf or a pebble, or celebrating with a small circle of friends, than dancing and chanting among a large group of mostly strangers. I will still go to public rituals from time to time. I'm looking forward to my first Samhain, although I've been told it goes on foreverrrrrrrr. And as for Bridgid, I'll be there!